021 – Kristin Bosteels: Choosing To Be an Anomaly

[0:00] Music.

[0:08] I’m Sarah Tacy and this is Threshold Moments, a podcast where guests and I share stories, about the process of updating into truer versions of ourselves.
The path is unknown and the pull feels real. Together we share our grief, laughter, love and life-saving tools.

[0:27] Music.

[0:38] Join us.
Today I have the great honor of speaking with Kristen Bosteels.
When Kristen was 31, she was diagnosed with breast cancer.
She had a double mastectomy and she went deep into an Iyengar practice and helped support many people on the other side of breast cancer.
She was feeling great, she was feeling strong, and five years later, she was found out by accident that cancer had returned.
It was in her bones, her liver, her lungs, and because she insisted on getting a brain scan, she then also found out in her brain.

[1:18] Kristen has decided that she will be an anomaly. She dove deep into Dr. Dispenza’s work, which if you’re unfamiliar with him, we We name him a few times and his work is really about quantum physics and the way that we wire our brains and the way, I’m not like a deep student of his, I’ve read his books, and so what I took away is also the way that electrons can come into or out of existence depending on how we observe them or what we think.
So this idea that we can create things with our mind and we can also diminish things with their mind and also the way that we wire our brains through our thoughts.
So Kristen shares with us her very real journey of being hopeful, believing a new reality, getting results that may not support that reality, feeling the feelings around the new new results.

[2:15] Repeating the process, having miracles happen, and then also having again times that results are not favorable. So she shares with us the story and the process of what it means to let go of the outcome, to understand that everything can change, that things can show up once and disappear another time. News comes in and the news can suck and she can feel the feelings and she can choose, when those feelings no longer serve her and return to her meditations.
In the end we talk about how we can support her journey, we can support one another in community no matter the outcome, and you will hear her again and again soaking up all the love that comes through, and her ability to find happiness even on her hardest days, and to feel the feels on the days in which happiness is not as clear. I hope you enjoy this. It is filled with wisdom and truth, and I think that’s what I appreciate the most, is the truth from a woman who has lived, life so fully. Thank you for taking the time to watch this video.

[3:26] Music.

[3:36] And today on Threshold Moments, we have with us Kristen Bastils. I first met Kristen, when we were teenagers working at Foster’s Downey’s Clambake.

[3:52] And at that time in life, I remember her as an athlete, basketball in particular, kind, huge heart, fun to be around. So since that time, you and I were just talking about how mostly, it’s probably been me following you on social media and keeping up to date with your life.
And as I was just saying a moment ago, the pages that I’ve kind of put together just in reviewing this following over the years, they’re long, because your life is rich.
And one of the questions that I think I wanted to tap into, and it’s not the question I’m gonna pose now, but just as the listeners are listening into what will this podcast be about, it’s kind of what mindset does one need in order to be an anomaly.
When life presents us with the things that life will present us with.

[5:03] How do we navigate that with integrity and honesty?
And I feel like that’s something you’ve done so beautifully.
So if I were to speak more to Kristen’s bio, I don’t wanna gloss over this.
And we can touch deeper into this if you feel comfortable with it.
We met when we were teenagers and maybe a few years after we met, when you were 17, you had a large encounter with cancer, which was with your mother and facing her passing.

[5:37] You continued on with life and I’m so curious to hear more about this this after part, and then had your own encounter at age 31 and now you’re 40. In between this time you’ve studied with Dr. Joe Dispenza, you dove really deep into your yoga practice and have been teaching around the world and online. Currently the yoga that you teach is called Yoga on the Inside and it’s with her partner Eddie Modestini. My perception is that you understand more about life than most humans on this earth. I imagine that one who has come so close in living both life so close to death and then choosing to live life, and choosing to really have to be so mindful of what will you let go of, what will you hold on to.

[6:48] But there’s a part of me that just thinks that, that you understand life in a way that few of us do. And I’m hoping to be able to talk to you about that, that small thing, just your understanding on life.
So thank you for being here. Thank you so much for having me.
I am honored to be here and be in your presence and just hearing you talk about my life, it really brings, you know, I’m having a question in my mind like, wow, am I like, do I really understand more than most people?
Do I have I experienced more than most people because this is my daily experience?
Yeah.
Oh, thank you for highlighting that. Yeah.

[7:48] I’m pausing because there’s, I’m like, I wanna skip right into this conversation that you had had with another woman in which she asked you, do you prefer the person you are now to the person you were before your first cancer diagnosis?
So when you talk about like, do I really understand life more than other people?
Do I, the journey you’ve been through to be here today.
Would signal to me that yes, there are things out of necessity that would make that statement possibly true. Yes. When I reflect on the person I was before my first diagnosis, it’s been about 10 years since that happened, about eight, well, eight years.
And if I look back, and if I hadn’t made any changes, so if I had just.

[8:54] My first round with breast cancer, I had a surgery, the double mastectomy surgery.
And I changed a little bit, but I also had the mindset at that time that I had had the surgery and I was kind of done with that part of my life, the cancer part of my life.
It was over. I wasn’t going to make any changes. So I kept gripping on to things like worry, and jealousy, and control, a big one.
And the cancer came back five years later, and I didn’t feel anything in my body.
I was actually the strongest I’ve been in my practice, in my life, and it came as a huge shock and surprise.

[10:11] And when you first are diagnosed with what is now a terminal illness, everybody wants to offer their advice.
And it’s so well intended and so much from the heart and so filled with love.

[10:29] But I was bombarded with so much. And when I actually settled into my body in those first couple of months is when I started the work with Dr. Joe.
And there was something inside of me that said, if you don’t change, you’re gonna die. And one of my…

[10:59] Healers, she’s an astrologer. I had a reading with her and she said.

[11:07] Oh my gosh, you have a choice, like you change or you die. And it was like the two.

[11:14] Messages from these two people I really respected that said, you have big work to do.
And so I’ve spent the last four years doing that and letting go of worry and letting go of control, which is so hard, which I still feel like I grip the wheel in this process, that I have to really be so mindful of how I move through every single day.
But when I reflect on that person and this person now, I’m so much happier.
Even though life is really hard every day for me.
There’s not a day that’s like, oh, this is a breeze. Even the best days, I wake up and now I have a practice that says, I’m alive.
Wow. And I’ll share more on that later, hopefully. But when I, you know, after that statement, it’s like, what hurts today?
What, you know, what do I need to tend to? And so, but there’s an essence of happiness that wasn’t present before this experience.

[12:39] Wow. I wanna go back first to when you said people bombard you with ideas that come from the heart of what you can do.
What would your preference have been? So if we could rewind the clock a bit, or if it were for somebody else, say somebody in my life tells me this news.

[13:06] What is the most supportive way, I know it’s different for everyone, but what would be the most supportive way that you would desire for someone to meet you when you meet them with the news that you have?
That’s an incredible question. Thank you for asking it.
When I announced publicly that I had been diagnosed with stage four breast cancer, I had received many messages about Dr. Joe Dispenza.
You should read Becoming Supernatural. You should check out Dr. Joe Dispenza.” And I was like, I just brushed them off because I didn’t have any information besides that statement.

[13:53] The way that I ended up falling into Dr. Joe’s work was my body worker said, I’m doing a course online with Dr. Joe Dispenza. It’s really helping me in my life.
I think it would be something that you might be interested in checking out.
So there was no, you should do this because that automatically puts up a wall for me.
And it was like a couple months into my diagnosis.
I had received several messages with Dr. Joe’s info, but I immediately went home from that session and I booked a workshop with him in Bogota, Colombia, which was the most, you know, it was the closest workshop to that timeline.
And every time I talk to people about this.
When there’s experience behind the suggestion.

[14:59] It’s really helpful. So if there’s no experience, I encourage people to go get the experience and come back, because nobody really knows Dr. Joe’s work unless you’re doing it.
So he has incredible quotes and posts on Instagram, But you can’t really know the multitude of his work unless you’re practicing the meditations and putting the practice to work.
So I would just say that if, you know, that’s just my one example of, and it can be anything from like suggesting a diet or, you know, some sort of reading, same thing.
And like the diets around cancer are, you kind of have to have cancer to know about them.
But sharing experience that someone you know might have had is really helpful to be able to guide people who are in my circumstance.
Thank you.
And maybe I’ll take the question one step further too. So that was in regards to if somebody has a suggestion.

[16:21] Your answer is like, go live into your own answer and speak from an I statement, and then have it be an inquiry of, I wonder if it would also be fitting for you.
And then, and again, I don’t expect you to know the answer to this, but I’m just curious, when you share hard news with people.

[16:48] Are there responses that you prefer over others?
Meaning, is it a way somebody shows up? Is it a way that somebody holds or that somebody doesn’t actually give you advice?
How have people been able to be there for you in the most supportive way possible or what is the most supportive way for you?
Your questions are right on. They’re everything I wanna share.
It’s really beautiful, thank you.
Something I’ve moved into recently in the past several months, because it’s been the hardest months of my four years in this metastatic disease, is coaching the people around me who I see regularly to not ask me how I’m doing?
Hmm.
Because it’s a loaded question.
If I share my honest truth, I would be very depressed in my life, and they would be too.

[17:58] It would be really hard. And if I share something that, you know, might be, what I would consider a little fib, like saying, I’m great. There’s part of me that that has that mindset.
But there’s another part of me that has to share my truth and be honest.
So I like to, I’ve been telling people to ask me how my heart is instead of how are you.
Because if somebody asks me how I am, I can go into all the pain in my body and the fear that I might have about a scan or all these details.
But if they ask me how my heart is, I can really take a moment and just cue into that and say something like peaceful or a little agitated.
So I don’t have to go into the details about everything. And that’s been super, super helpful.
And it’s really hard for people because again, it’s coming from the heart.
Yeah, they wanna know like, how are you? Right, right.
We’re so used to being in a head space all the time to drop into the heart is a whole nother practice.

[19:22] Music.

[19:28] If you are feeling depleted today, or even if you’re feeling well, I wanna offer you my free program called 21 Days of Untapped Support.
What this means is that you’re tapping into resources that are all around you, possibly within you, that could help shift the equation of stability means more resources than demand.
So some resources we look for depend on our financial state.
If I have more money, I could afford a babysitter. If I have more money, I could afford better health insurance.
I could afford to go to the retreat. I could afford to take that program.
And it becomes very dependent.

[20:15] 21 days of untapped support begins to look at what resources are already there, already in front of me, around me, inside of me, that I can tap into.
I’ve put this program together as small doable pieces of nervous system support.
I’ve also taken it myself. When I first launched it, I took it myself, and each day I thought, man, this is an awesome reminder and so useful today.
And I would even say, as you take it, if it’s serving you, you could do it on repeat because again it’s free and it’s digestible and it’s highly useful.
So check out the show notes at the bottom and go ahead and sign up if it feels like like it’s calling to you in any way.

[21:05] Music.

[21:13] This may seem a little bit of an offshoot, but we’ve been doing song circles every Wednesday, and a few of us have kids that come, and we open up just by tuning in and naming what we’re feeling, you know, what’s in your heart.

[21:34] And since I grew up so many years just with the answer good, and good is not a feeling necessarily in my heart. Like it’s just, it’s not really a, I don’t know if good is a feeling.
So to try to get more specific with like, how am I feeling? It’s such a practice, because otherwise I think I bypass so much and I’m just, I’m good. Or, or I can go into story.
And now I’m so curious about this, which is, you know, one might listen to that and say, are you bypassing your feelings?
I heard when you said in the heart that you could say like, oh, we didn’t say racing, but maybe your heart is agitated or it’s peaceful.
So both get to be true.
If there are things that you’re worried about, can you speak to the listener?
Now you have like your own journey and yours has a lot to do with mindset on top of what you’re eating.
I mean, I think every dimension that you’re tapping into, but specifically with Dr. Joe, can you talk to us a bit about why you don’t want to name those things and why, like the difference between bypassing and choosing not to name the things?

[22:55] Yeah, that, I’ve come to the place, and this is from his teaching, Where are you?

[23:05] If I’m feeling like in a negative space in my head, I have fear, I have worry about the future, that’s okay.

[23:21] But holding onto that all day, every day is where we get into trouble because we start wiring the brain to think that that’s what’s happening in our body.
And that’s where we start to condition our lives into a future that we don’t want.
Wow. And so it’s not that I never say, like I have pain or I feel bad today, or I just let myself cry in front of somebody.
There’s not like that kind of bypassing of the feelings or the reality of the situation in the moment. But it’s just how long I can stay in that space and how quickly I can come back from it.
And that’s my practice.

[24:18] Thank you for clarifying. I appreciate that. That is is something I’m so often curious about.
I went through a stage of grieving and there was a part of me that’s like, okay, I felt all the feelings.
I should be through them now. And then sometimes I have mornings.
I remember one in particular where I just, and my daughter hadn’t eaten yet.
I think it was like 1030. I’m sure she ate something, but I was like still in my bathrobe and just really, and I was like, oh, I’m gonna do this breathing practice.
It was like super ventilation with breath holds because I knew it would change my state.
And I started to get really confused over the benefit of feeling my feelings.
And was I gonna use breath to help me get honest with my feelings or to change my state so I could move on?
And I think I was also then in a judgmental state of which one am I supposed to do?
Like there’s a right or wrong, oh no. by changing my state? Did I not allow my, but there was a, I think what I’m hearing is that you can sense or feel into a state where it’s like, this is no longer, in this moment, This is no longer serving me.

[25:35] I felt the feelings. I was down. I’m neutral. I’m almost in a frozen place.
I’m going to choose to do something where I could feel good for today and I will let the feelings arise and I will let them pass again. But when it starts to get stuck or stagnant, that I get to choose to change it if that is something I desire to do.
You. Exactly. Yeah. And also like the nuance of the conditioning we have to say, hi, how are you? So I’m hearing in that state, it’s also like, you’re not necessarily dropping in for a cup of tea or a two hour hang where you could really be honest. It’s like, what do I say in that moment? And so if it’s, how is your heart, then you can say something that’s honest without having to stay like be an all or nothing of I can’t touch it at all, or I got to drop all the way in. So it’s like a nice in-between of I can tell you how my heart is.
Yeah. And when my friend Evan said that to me for the first time, I was like super uncomfortable.
Like, oh my gosh, like how is my heart? I’ve never thought about that before.
And so it took a little bit of getting used to, but it’s definitely my preference now.

[27:02] You, so I’m afraid I’m gonna get her name wrong. Maria Menounos.
Yeah. Did I say that right? I watched that interview today.
And you mentioned that after your mother passed away, after your mother passed away, a story that stayed in your head was how people had often told you you’re just like your mom, and how that may have built in to your body, the story that your journey would be the same as hers.

[27:38] I would love to hear if you’re willing to share how over time and through practice, you’ve begun to differentiate your journey from your mother’s and, What of her? And if anything feels too sensitive, like, sorry, I don’t wanna jump in there, please pass.
I actually think it’s so good for a listener to hear someone say like, pass.
Like what parts of her patterning and personality do you choose to say, yes, I wanna keep that with me?
What parts would you say, I’m gonna let that go?
And this is maybe a third element, which is this idea that I’m guessing that she contacts you beyond her patterning into like a more up to date beyond human patterning too.
So I’m wondering if you could speak to those three points or maybe just the last two points.
Yeah, I would love to share. And for so many years, It’s been 20 years since she died.
And for so many of those years, I definitely talked myself into.

[29:01] My fate being what hers was. And I told the story so many times to so many people.
For some people, it was the first thing I told them about my life.
There was just this need to share her death.

[29:24] After the second diagnosis, I started to say, okay, what exactly what you’re saying, what part of her do I want to take with me, which is the kindness and the open heart and the love she.
Every time I post something about her, people that are her were her age that knew her say like she had the biggest heart and she was so kind and I love that. And I want to take that with me and hand that off to the next generation.
And then I look at the parts that needed to be healed, and I really believe that this.

[30:06] Experience for me is an ancestral healing.
And I don’t have children of my own, but I have a couple of nieces and a nephew, and I believe that this process for me is healing them and healing the people who came before us.
And those things of worry and control and stress. Stress was really present in her life.
She was holding so much and juggling being a single mom with three girls who were all active in sports.
And I’m watching my sister now say like, oh, I have a softball practice here and there’s There’s another softball practice happening at the same time, so I’m going back and forth between fields and then, and I’m just like, oh my gosh, this is what my mom was doing.
And she, back then, 20 years ago, there was no support.

[31:11] So there was nobody to say.
Okay, maybe we should work on like stress options to relieve stress. There were no yoga studios, there was no meditation classes, like there’s so much available now that.

[31:33] She didn’t have access to. And so when I look at like, okay, we’re very similar, we’ll probably end up the same way. So much has changed in the environment of our world and how how much support is available. I mean, therapy, even back then, it’s like, we didn’t go to therapy after she died. Like, I still have moments where I’m like, have I processed all of that grief? I don’t know that I have. Because it just wasn’t available to us or wasn’t the, normal, wasn’t talked about.
And so I’ve definitely come to a place where I realized that like, because she died of metastatic breast cancer doesn’t mean that that’s my story.

[32:27] It’s been really freeing to be in that position. But it’s taken a while, because that program was wired for a long time.
And what was the third question?

[32:46] How your mother lives on through you now, meaning do you feel or sense her giving you direction, or do you have conversations with her in any way so that you’re not necessarily only working from what you remember from when you were 17, but that Elena Brower was just on the podcast, just this past week, her podcast came out and her book, Softening Times was just published.
And the first half of the book of poetry speaks to really that like the memories that she had, but then it speaks to how she can feel her mom, like experiencing Elena’s son through Elena. Like she could almost like feel her mom looking through her eyes or as she’s washing the dishes or like that there are different, like as her son plays the piano that she can feel her mom’s presence and that almost on a daily basis.
And I’m not, I’ve had experiences where it’s not on a daily basis and I don’t have that type of contact, but I’ve heard people discuss the way a relationship can continue, grow and heal after life on earth.
And I’m wondering if you have any experience with that.

[34:07] Yeah, I have a story in particular that you know my mom comes in, through other people in a lot of the healings that I’ve participated in where somebody’s been doing Reiki on me or, Giving me a read an astrology reading and they’ve said oh your mom’s here, feel that but not necessarily like oh, oh my gosh, I feel her like a very no big event, but.

[34:38] There was something that happened a few years ago and And I remember when I was a teenager, and one of her friends had been diagnosed with cancer, and had started to meditate. And like I said, back then, there was no yoga studios where we lived. There was no like, it was very hush hush, the spiritual world. And she had some judgment around her friend. And I remember that. And I didn’t have an opinion back then, I didn’t really understand what meditation was. But her judgment of that practice stayed with me.
And when she passed a few years later is when I started yoga. And I remember thinking, oh my gosh, she’s probably rolling around in her grave. My daughter… And then all of a sudden, I was teaching and it became like I had gone to school for outdoor recreation, then I became a yoga teacher. And I was just like, for years, I thought she.

[35:52] Probably hates what I’m doing. And I felt so much in my body about that.
And then about three years ago, I was sitting on the couch and I was petting a chihuahua who was sitting in my lap and I looked down and my hands looked like my mom’s.

[36:17] And Eddie was sitting next to me, and he’s like, what’s going on?
And I was like, these are my mom’s hands. Like, it was like something had shape shifted.
And he was really sweet, and he said, is she trying to tell you anything?
And I said, I listened for a moment. And this is going to make me emotional.
But she said, I never judged you. And it was in that moment where I was like, of course, because when she left her body on this plane, she turned into unconditional love, where meditation, she’s not gonna sit there and judge the meditation that I’m doing or the yoga teaching, she’s just gonna love me in that new dimension that she’s in because that dimension is pure love.
And I cried so much and it was just such a beautiful moment and it has stuck with me.
Like every time I question or start to move in that direction of, gosh, would she hate what I’m doing?
I’m like, no, she loves what I’m doing.
And that has been super healing and it came from nowhere.

[37:41] From everywhere. Yeah, that’s so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with us.
I’m thinking now of like going into your journey and then we’ve mentioned so that you went into teaching yoga and to meditation.
I am imagining also this in that process, this possible unlayering or knowing that your mother on the other side is proud of you.
I can start to kind of even sense and feel that.
This whole journey that you’ve taken, Kristen, this deciding not to carry certain patterns with you, that she would be so relieved and so proud.

[38:31] I wonder if you could share with us a little bit of what it’s been like or how you manage when your results have gone up and down, in that you’ve done all the practices And for those listening who don’t know your history, you’ve had cancer in your bones and your lungs and your brain.
And you’ve had, I think you said that you have had the most individual brain tumors radiated out.
I probably used the wrong terminology on that of anyone on this earth.
And that you advocated for yourself to be able to get them individually taken care of, that there was a time, I think maybe it was last summer, that it went from over 150 to nothing apparent.

[39:35] And then in October, you sent a letter out to update people that you had had another scan, that came back showing cancer again.
And in this one, you also asked for help, which I thought was so beautiful and such a gift for everybody who’s been following you and have probably wanted to know how can we help you.
So would you be able to speak to us first on…

[40:07] How you navigate the ups and the downs, especially when there’s this, you know, emphasis on a positive mindset.
I just want to quickly say for myself that I might say, like, if I’m not feeling, if I’m feeling any victimhood over a circumstance I’m in, or I’m not able to like see the joy in a situation or see the silver lining, because I also have this belief that those are good things to be able to do, then I have an added layer of shame that I might feel, when I’m not feeling like the person that everyone would be like, oh my gosh, she’s so joyful even though she’s going through this hard thing.
She’s so strong even though she’s going through this hard thing.
So I’m wondering if you could speak to the times in which you were, you said, you got news and that you stayed in bed for seven days first.
What it’s like being that person in bed when you’re also the person who has such a strong meditation practice and has spent so much time rewiring patterns?

[41:23] Like to be able to be human, to have both. Yes.
And that seven days in bed came after my first Dr. Joe one-week intensive, where I had convinced myself that I had been healed at that intensive.
And so to get that news, that there was 50 tumors in my brain, was heartbreaking.
And I didn’t have the mindset practices yet to be able to help myself through that process.
And I still get news that’s unfavorable. And now I have a mindset of, well, everything can change.
Because there was that one experience where I had an additional 50 tumors, or they said 25 to 50 they didn’t know at the time.

[42:31] And I was going to get treated and I said I’m going to go to Hawaii and just take a few weeks and then I’ll come back and do the treatment.
And when I came back, they re-scanned me and they were gone.
And that, knowing that was possible, has influenced my journey since then.

[42:54] Just knowing that if something comes up on a scan, that it might not be there the next time.
Or like I’ve had stuff in my liver, tumors in my liver that have come and gone over the last four years multiple times.
Wow.
Where like one scan, it’s like, oh, they’re there. They’re small, they’re manageable.
They’re not concerned about them at this time.
But then the next scan, it’s like, oh, there’s only one of them there now.
Or both of them have disappeared.
And so that, knowing that, and if you’re listening and you’re in my circumstance and you haven’t experienced that yet, I have.
And so I’m sharing it with you so that you can understand that it’s possible.
And every time something comes in, and I’ll be really vulnerable and honest, right now I’ve been really stable for the last five months.
And this last scan that came in showed two new spots on my lungs.
And at first, I was like, no.
And then I let myself feel it, because that’s the reality of the situation.

[44:22] Like this sucks. This is not the news that we wanted.
But I’m just coming back all the time to that, to that brain circumstance where all of a And all of a sudden the email came in that said, I don’t know what happened, but they’re not there anymore.
And I was able to advocate for myself with my doctor because when something new comes up on a scan.

[44:49] And they deem it as progression, there’s oftentimes a treatment change, and that treatment change becomes more intense.
And knowing what I know now, I was able to go to my doctor And thankfully, I have a very supportive oncologist, incredible.
And I said, can we just monitor for a couple months?
Like, how long can we monitor for?
He said, yeah, absolutely. I’m giving myself.
The time to drop back into my meditation practices and to start to bring awareness and healing and attention to that area of my body. And we’ll scan again and we’ll see what happens.
And that’s really where I’ve come to. It’s like, there’s no need for me to spend seven days in bed and go through that process.

[45:53] Because that’s a lot of wiring in the brain that’s unnecessary.
It’s really important to feel it all.
Yeah.
It’s so understandable too. Like it’s all so understandable.
So it’s like, of course, the first time you spent seven days in bed, like of course, right?
Like that’s devastating with this hope and then to also have the experience And maybe I’d add that you’ve shared that when you went to Maui on that trip.

[46:23] That you started to run, which felt like a miracle because you had had it in your hips too.
And you were doubling down on your meditation practices. And I think you said you were there for six weeks and came back and got these results.
So that now with having that lived experience of this, anything could happen.
Things are there and then they’re not there. They’re there and then they’re not there.
What I also wanna reflect back to you is that I really hear a letting go of control.
That at the beginning, I wanted to be like, how will, well, how do you do that? Sure, sure.
How do you do that? How do you let go of control? How do you let go of stress?
How do you let go of worry?
And those are the three that you named. But also what I’m hearing, it’s like through lived experience, right?
Of course, meditation is your yoga practice, but lived experience.

[47:18] That would also, I know the meditation and Dr. Joe would be like before the lived experience see the thing and to have the lived experience of, and it did disappear. It’s possible for something to come and go. And I really hear in that, you get to feel your feelings and you get to choose when it’s no longer helpful to spiral. And I just really hear that softening in you and and that letting go of control that I have to think is by living life with the fullness that you live your life.

[47:53] Music.

[47:58] If you’re curious about somatic exploration, or nervous system support, you can check out the link below to make a connection call.
If you’re feeling serious about it or truly curious, You can do a one-off session and because this work especially in relationship to the nervous system is small doable pieces over time I would consider, thinking about a one month two month or three month period of time that you might dedicate towards nervous system support. Again you can start with a the smaller step of a connection call, if it’s calling you.

[48:40] Music.

[48:51] Yeah, and I wanna speak to what you said before about being strong.
Because that’s something that I put out in the beginning of this whole journey of just like, I would only post stuff when things were good.
And I would spend months and months without saying anything and then I would just like, things would start to get better and I would just like be like, okay, now I can share.
And what I’m coming to now as I’m in this, almost four years is that it’s really important for people to know that I’m not always strong.
And I have a strength in me, absolutely, that is undeniable and I recognize that, but if, that’s all that people see.
I’m doing a disservice to humanity because that is not, you know, when people come and visit me, there are oftentimes it takes a few days for people to step into the reality of my circumstance.

[50:12] Because most of the time I am in that strong space and my mind is really clear.
But there is a part of this that I feel very weak, and not in a bad way.
That’s not a negative thing, but it’s just like, I can’t carry this load right now.
And it’s really important for me to be able to share that, because if you have a terminal diagnosis, it’s really challenging in so many ways. And if I’m just like up on this pedestal, like, well, I got all my bases covered and I’m doing the meditation and I’m eating right, my diet is a struggle every day. I’m just like, what am I going to eat today? How am I going to support myself, how am I going to enjoy life? And so, I just wanted to share that because when you said, you know, she’s so strong and how do you deal with that kind of thing? It’s, I want to share that. I have many moments of just what Dr. Joe calls dark nights of the soul. And they’re real and you have to feel them if you’re in this because otherwise they just get stuck.

[51:33] So thank you. Yeah. I mean this is one of those things that I think as I’ve followed you from afar, am in awe of because I do think that you’ve shared a bit more of the complexity of your daily living and daily situation. Even earlier in this conversation, you said something, around, I’ve never been so happy and life has never been so hard, just that those two things can coexist. And I’m going to add this and, that and when you’re in the dark night of the soul, that happiness might be harder to tap into.
And just for people to hear that that is normal.
I think is such a gift. I think it’s such a gift.
And I also wanna put out there as we’re coming to a close here is that you are utilizing many layers of support.

[52:40] You mentioned how your mom didn’t have that both as a single mother of three, but also in her journey with cancer.
And you have an incredible oncologist, you are advocating for yourself.
And I don’t know if these are things you’re still doing, but I know that there were vitamin C drips.
I know that there was a naturopath.
I know that you had many, I don’t know if there’s massage, but I know that there are many, many things on top of the bills and how when someone is sick, it makes it so hard to work.
And at the same time that it’s impossible, seemingly impossible or impossible to work, the bills get so much drastically higher.
And so Kristen has a GoFundMe page. And I don’t know about you, Kristen, when I look at the amount that has been donated.

[53:40] I just, I would almost like, oh God, like every dollar of that being, like people voting for you, like believing in you and voting for you and sending love and awe.
Do you wanna speak at all to that or even what it was like to, to me there had to be like some part of you that has had to find your worth and your belief in yourself to ask for help.
Would you touch into that at all? And then I also wanna say, if the GoFundMe is still live that we’ll put that link in the bio so that listeners can also help support and send their love and gratitude your way.
Thank you so much. I just wanna start by saying thank you to everybody who has contributed to that fund.

[54:29] I am so overwhelmed by the response of that by the response of that, and I can’t explain how much it has helped me because I do have a naturopath and I do have weekly vitamin C infusions and I try to get massage as much as I can and acupuncture, and it really all adds up.
There’s no way that I could do any of it without that fund. and I do believe that it has helped me in my healing.
And…
Oh, sorry, I’m just having a moment of thanking everybody.

[55:21] You said you’re having a moment of thanking everybody and then what you said right after that, I missed.
Did you say that you forgot the question?
You forgot the question. I’m gonna say all the things that I was thinking, which is like, I imagine that you had to find belief in yourself and a level of self-worth that maybe you wouldn’t have had when you had your first diagnosis to be able to move from not just sharing the good times, but to say, hey, times are really hard.
And I really believe you said in it, I’m an anomaly and I really need help.
And just so many people love you. And the question, let me get to the question.
And so the question is, can you go back to that time and space of what it took, to write the email and ask for help.
It is something that I still struggle with and it takes a lot of courage to hit the send button.

[56:25] And even write the update. And so, I am oftentimes pondering this for months before I actually follow through with asking for help.
Because I feel like I live a blessed life. There’s so much to be grateful for.
There’s so many more people that are in need than me. And am I worthy?
Like those thoughts are still ever-present in my life.
And when I look back, so right now I’m in a, I’m about eight months from when I last updated people. It feels like it was just a month ago.
It has been the most challenging part of my journey. journey and.

[57:32] I have been resistant to updating people and asking for more support because I feel like, gosh, people have already given so much. Why would they keep giving? And all these questions come in.

[57:50] But you touched on a really good point. People want to help and they want to know what they can do. And if they can contribute financially to my healing, I know that that fulfills many people and that they can see what their dollars, their votes, their support is doing for me.
And that’s really powerful. And yeah, I was thinking just yesterday, Oh, I’m starting to get all these emails of like, I haven’t seen an update from you.
What’s going on?

[58:29] You know, and there’s something inside me that’s like, okay, it’s time.
It’s time to share what’s been going on.
And because it’s been so challenging, I haven’t wanted to put it out there.
But now it’s really time.
And whatever support that comes in is being utilized to really help me not only heal but to support this journey, like no matter what the outcome is, I can’t be attached to what ends up happening in the end.
We’re all going to die and we don’t know when. I also have two coaches or teachers teaching me right now.

[59:21] So yeah, I just wanted to, again, say thank you to those who’ve contributed and know that if you’re in this position and you’re feeling like self-conscious about asking and knowing your self-worth, it’s like putting it out there and just allowing people to respond to you and just soaking in all the love.
There’s so much love that comes through, like way beyond the money.
Yeah. Regions, the love is really like where my tears come. It’s like, they’re rooting for me. Everybody is here.
Yeah, everyone is rooting for you.

[1:00:05] I’ll put this out there too. I do believe that you’ve said once, that sometimes you don’t want to put things out there you don’t want people to worry. And the burden that someone on the inside can sometimes feel, when other people aren’t processing their worries in other places and wanting people to to more have this belief of like.

[1:00:30] Like, I’m going to send support and love. I heard you say like, no matter the outcome, which is not needing it to be positive, not saying it’s going to be negative, but just that letting go of control of, I love Kristen. I support her. I’m so happy there’s a way to help.
And yeah, on the outside, not projecting worry, but instead, I hear this, no matter where life takes you. And so true. I have a great friend who says that to me every now and then, just, we’re all going to die. And to try to control every aspect of my life or whatever reason that that she said that to me.
It’s just like, okay, yeah.
So not doing things in order to control an outcome, but doing it through love for support.
I’m calling it like voting. I don’t know why I’m saying voting.
I always think of money as like our way to like vote for something.
Like I vote that Kristen gets support that she needs and I vote with love.
So that link will be in the show notes. If anyone listening would love to add to that, Kristen, I’m so thankful for you in my life.

[1:01:55] And I’m in awe of the totality of it, not just, you know, one side or the other, the totality of how you navigate life.
So thank you.
Thank you so much for coming on and sharing with us.
Thank you so much for having me. I love you. I love you too.

[1:02:15] Music.

[1:02:28] Thank you for tuning in. It’s been such a pleasure. If you’re looking for added support, I’m offering a program that’s totally free called 21 Days of Untapped Support.
It’s pretty awesome. It’s very easy. It’s very helpful. You can find it at sarahtacey.com.

[1:03:09] Music.