053 – Dana Myers: Prioritizing Pleasure

Sarah Tacy [00:00:06]:
Hello. Welcome. I’m Sara Tacy, and this is Threshold Moments, a podcast where guests and I share stories about the process of updating into truer versions of ourselves. The path is unknown, and the pull feels real. Together, we share our grief, Laughter, Love, and Life Saving Tools. Join us. Hello. Welcome to threshold moments.

Sarah Tacy [00:00:41]:
This is the beginning of special moments 2nd year. So if it were a child, we’d say, you’re 1 year old. Congratulations. And in the 1st year, I felt like we really dealt with the depths and darkness of many thresholds. An it’s not that we’re going to avoid this, but in some ways, they played into my realms of safety and comfort. And I thought it was so appropriate to have Dana Meyer as be my 1st guest of the 2nd season. Because Dana’s line of work has revolved around self pleasure and pleasure and intimacy and relationships. And this is an area that I could speak to my girlfriends about, but saying things publicly would be harder.

Sarah Tacy [00:01:36]:
And I was surprised pleasantly surprised at how easily this conversation Flowed. And so much of that, I do believe, has to do with Dana’s comfort in what she represents and what She Embodies. That has been my experience of her since the very first time I heard her speak. Was that so much shame that I often coupled with sexuality or self pleasure just dissolved in her presence. And I think you will see this here, and I think what you’ll enjoy is really hearing from a woman who has been married for a long time, who has 2 kids, who co runs with her husband, a highly successful business that needs her attention and time. And she still prioritizes and schedules in and makes time for pleasure as, in some ways, a way for self regulation, getting back to a place of magnetism. And I would often think for myself, like, I could only move towards pleasure if I was already in my parasympathetic already in my rest and digest. But she teaches us ways and talks a bit about how we can help ourselves with those transitions to bring more of what feels good into our life.

Sarah Tacy [00:03:02]:
We talk about freedom. We talk about choice. We talk about what happens when we begin to to use our imaginations and just to let go of the shame of using our Maginations. In this very moment, I’m being reminded of a time when I first started somatic exploration, and I was sensing into what I was feeling my body and the images that came. And I said to the person holding space, you know, I don’t know that any of this is real. Like, are we just wasting our time? Does this make sense? And she said, I think this is the patriarchy. And when I say that, for any of the listeners who associate that with putting any 1 man down, it’s more of a system that might wanna hold down and control imagination, our ability to tap into other realms so that we might become a bit more dogmatic and rule following. And as we listen to Dana, we hear freedom.

Sarah Tacy [00:03:58]:
And we hear thresholds, and we hear places where there was no shame. And then also when shame approaches and comes up. What does she do to be with it, process it, and dispel it? We talk about magic. We talk about motherhood, partnership, business, and sourcing our self worth from the inside. I hope you enjoyed this episode as much as I did. Enjoy. Welcome to Threshold Moments. Today we have with us Dana B.

Sarah Tacy [00:04:41]:
Myers. She’s an award winning product developer, entrepreneur, and founder of Bootyparlor, an online retail space that aims to inspire and empower women from all over the world to feel sexy, self confident, and satisfied. Dana is a speaker and a love and relationships coach. She has led over 400 sexual empowerment workshops inspiring thousands of women and mothers to boost their sensual self confidence and create more pleasure Their Daily Lives. Her tips and guidance can be found in her 2 books, Mojo Makeover and Mommy Mojo Makeover. Welcome.

Dana Myers [00:05:20]:
Thank you, Sarah. It’s great to see you. It’s great to be with you again. Thank you for that intro.

Sarah Tacy [00:05:26]:
Yeah. You’re welcome. I thought that I would have my listeners first hear a thing or two about how you came into my stratosphere, my awareness. So our mutual friend, Kate Northrop, used to have a membership program called ORIGIN. I am not generally one who does online programs or tunes in no matter how amazing the content is. And for some reason, the day that you came into Origin to speak, I believe it was on Pleasure, I tuned in, and I was in the car with my husband. And I think both he and I were like,

Dana Myers [00:06:10]:
who is this woman?

Sarah Tacy [00:06:12]:
And what stood out to me was that I had just heard a woman talk about self pleasuring and different ways and modalities and tools and times. And in a way that had zero shame, in a way that had Deep Embodiment in a way that I could hear it in your voice. And so then I asked you if you would come and present to a group that I was hosting. We met 1 Sunday every month for 10 months. And I think at the end of 10 months, If anyone had to choose a favorite part, I am pretty sure it’d be, like, your segment where you came in because the feedback for that day was just like, Mardena. And I was so also, like, shocked and surprised that some of the questions that women were asking you that day, how comfortable they felt with you. And again, just your unabashed nature when you open up to say like, yeah, to prepare to come and meet you guys. I started my day with self pleasure.

Dana Myers [00:07:18]:
Of course.

Sarah Tacy [00:07:19]:
And and, you know, this is a group of women in Maine who most likely didn’t have this as a normalized thing in their households. And so just to hear someone say that with such just like, of course, this is what I did. I think was so eye opening and intriguing, and it’s like, is that possible? Paul. What helped shape you into a woman who can be so embodied with pleasure? And I don’t wanna assume that there was never any shame at any point on the timeline, so I won’t make that assumption. If there was, I welcome that part of the story and then what you may have done to Yeah. Be with that.

Dana Myers [00:08:04]:
Love That. There’s no short answer, but, really, the story begins with my mother, Barbara, who I’m gonna see tonight for dinner. And she was always and still is a very sexually empowered woman and also a woman who lifts other women up. And so there’s 2 very important aspects of how she raised me to both be sexually empowered and to own my pleasure as opposed to giving it away to other people without knowing what it was for me first and then also sharing the message of empowerment. I mean, she’s a makeup artist. I grew up following her to the beauty shop Where she had a little studio, and women would sit in her chair, and they’d immediately start cutting themselves down and saying, I hate my nose or I hate this or I hate that. And I would watch her do it was like watching a wizard. You know? I’d watch her paint their faces while digging into their lives And talking with them and giving them a safe space to air things out.

Dana Myers [00:09:13]:
And then she had this great way of making people feel good, both by makeup and counsel, a little girlfriend to girlfriend chat. And then they would look up in the mirror, and they would all be formed from the inside out. They would all see their beauty revealed, and they would all stand up and just feel better about themselves and feel better about the relationship problems that they’d sort of dumped on her. She always just had this way of, like, of spinning women into a more positive mindset and a more empowered mindset about how they looked, how they felt, what was happening in their lives. And so that was super empowering to me. And at the same time, I was a very naturally curious girl. I got my period when I was 10. My hormones were exploding.

Dana Myers [00:10:01]:
I can’t explain it in another way than to say I just had, like, a curiosity and a passion to learn more about myself through sexual exploration. And my parents, like, were onto it. But instead of shaming me, instead of trying to control me, they knew had they done that, I would have rebelled and gotten into more danger situation. Instead, they acknowledged me. They encouraged me. My dad even said to me once. We’re hanging out in my room listening to music, and he was like, I honor you as a sexual being. And I was like, cool, dad.

Dana Myers [00:10:47]:
And then, you know, talk to me about safety and values, and and my mom would say things like you know you know, touching yourself is just as pleasurable as having sex with someone else. And I was like, yeah. Yeah. You know? I I know. And then I would sort of roll my eyes and run out of the room, but I’m obviously always very grateful for that acknowledgment and the permission to give myself the permission that was already happening. And so I did. I I learned more about myself through learning about my pleasure and through talking with my friends about pleasure, like, hey. Have you guys experienced this? I think I had an orgasm.

Dana Myers [00:11:27]:
Do you know what this is? And As a young girl, you don’t know what you don’t know. So there were situations that I put myself in that were way above my head, way out of my control. And, you know, not all the outcomes were great. And my mom noticed, you know, when that happened as well and noticed when I didn’t wanna tell her about those experiences. And it was at that moment where she did find me a therapist who this is a really pivotal moment in, like, the shame story that you brought up where she found me a therapist, where I was I felt safe enough to share some of these trickier situations that I was in. And she helped me go around or go through feelings of shame and not get stuck there because I think so many women do get stuck there because we don’t have anyone saying, hey. This is how we learn about ourselves even to the bad experiences, Even to the experiences that we would’ve never chosen but chose us. And so she really helped me to see That every experience that I had was a lesson to learning more about myself as a sexual being, as opposed to feeling like something bad had happened or I made the wrong choice and I’ll never make that choice again, so let me Shut myself down.

Dana Myers [00:13:02]:
And that was super empowering. And so for all the other, like, you know, mistakes I’ve made throughout my life, sexual or not, I was able to see it as a life experience and not as a bad choice or a bad mistake. So I really, even in, you know, the last 2 years in my midlife crisis, I made some really big f ups And, you know, sort of felt that hot rush of shame wanting to come in and settle I’m really calling upon my past and going, okay. No. Let’s not let that shame take hold. Like, you’re human. What can we learn? How can we be reborn through that? So Sex and beauty and pleasure were just always my passions, and I was really lucky to have different guides, be it this therapist, be it other older women that I met that would take me under their wing. It’s so interesting.

Dana Myers [00:13:58]:
So many of them were hairdressers and artists. Yeah. And and it’s interesting because this just kinda came up. Like, the the artistry of these women who were also sexually empowered also affirmed my artistry history and my love of pleasure. So lots of different guides throughout my life. And always, I think just I just always had this attitude, like, I I can pleasure my way through anything. I can pleasure my way through a bad breakup. I can pleasure my way through 911 when my life was falling apart and I had no job, and I was trying to figure out How to Survive in New York City.

Dana Myers [00:14:31]:
I’ve pleasured myself through 18,000 business failures. Mhmm. For me, I think it’s the salve and my marriage. We always return to pleasure. We’ve been together for 21 years, almost, you know, 19 years married. And that’s another big example that my parents showed me. Like, my parents used to fight like cats and dogs, but they always returned to passion. We knew when their door was locked that they were doing their thing, and we were not to interact.

Dana Myers [00:14:59]:
And that was a great example for me, really great example to see. And my mom would, like, talk about it. Like, we’re going to fool around, and I hated that phrase. I hated it so much.

Sarah Tacy [00:15:10]:
She she

Dana Myers [00:15:10]:
because she still says it Because they’re 78 and they’re still they still make so much time for passion and love, I was like, oh, okay, cool. That’s a very important part of a relationship. Because even though they’re fighting And even though they’re working through some really hard stuff, they’re still together. They’re still making time for love. So that was a really good example for me, both of them.

Sarah Tacy [00:15:31]:
There are so many parts of the story that I’m wanting to highlight maybe in even instead of asking a question off of it. It’s like, Eliza Reynolds, works with teenage girls or teenagers who are socialized as females. And just so no matter how amazing you are as parents, it’s so important that they have, quote unquote big sisters. Not necessarily biologically, but someone where they can go to and say like, oh, I’m going through this thing. And that person could say like, yeah, just 3 years ago. Right? Not like, oh, 20 years ago. I know what you’re talking about. So what I’m hearing is that you had this safety and stability at home, Anne.

Sarah Tacy [00:16:15]:
You had so many various layers and that your mom was wise enough to say, here’s a layer of support that’s One Degree Separated Away From Me, the therapist in this case, who could guide you. And I assume her wisdom so something Elisa Jose. It’s like, you’re still the coach. So your mom is still picking here as a therapist. Shame is not gonna be a part of this story.

Dana Myers [00:16:40]:
And I love how you just frame that because, like, that’s such an egoless action to take. Sue Jarnes. To be the one to help my child. Like, let me see if I can find someone else. And this was in, like, 1989, you know, something like that. So She was onto it. You know? She I love that. Very, like, ego less action.

Dana Myers [00:17:01]:
I love that.

Sarah Tacy [00:17:03]:
The other thing I hear in your mother is and I don’t wanna, like, skip ahead to where I imagine the podcast ending, but is Mhmm. Just this Inherent Witchery.

Dana Myers [00:17:18]:
Right? Yeah.

Sarah Tacy [00:17:19]:
It’s like the spells that she might cast

Dana Myers [00:17:22]:
Oh my god. Yeah.

Sarah Tacy [00:17:24]:
Simply by being exactly who she is and was to you you said sexually empowered. And I think I hear the ways that she was sexually empowered was to claim, like, we’re going in the bedroom for an hour or perhaps even by the way she might dress herself up or the way she might move through a room. And then to bring that forward, I think not to go too much into, like, the politics, or of patriarchy, but there’s so much power in a woman’s sensuality when she owns it. Yeah. So her ability to own that and then also bring other women Into Their Bodies and Into Their Beauty and have them feel it. The way you described it was as if, oh, they embodied it. And so to the listeners, like, Let’s Hang Out With More People Like That.

Dana Myers [00:18:12]:
Yes. Totally. And she so interesting to think of her kind of witchery And, you know, the different types of witches, the green witch, the eclectic witch. She I think she is a a glamour witch. You know? Beauty beauty was her jam and that sort of glamorous sensual energy that she had that was uniquely hers. And I watched her cast spell over policemen when they would stop her for speeding. And I love framing that as a Belle. Instead of what the patriarchy would have us believe, which is, oh, you’re using your feminine wiles to trick the theory.

Dana Myers [00:18:51]:
But I think she did cast spells within the patriarchal system to sort of have life move in her in her favor. Yeah. And she never, like, shamed me for my magic as well, which, you know, was also a big part of my childhood as as well my teenagers as well as my, like, sexual exploration.

Sarah Tacy [00:19:13]:
What did your magic look like back then?

Dana Myers [00:19:15]:
I received a a magic wand that I still have to this day from my friend, my best friend’s mother, Roz. Thanks, Roz. And I would make altars, And I would sort of stand over the altar, use my wand to set intentions. I didn’t know they were called intentions back then. I would talk to the spirits in my house. We moved into a very, very old house when I was 10, and that is when I first encountered spirits. And they used to scare the crap out of me, but something inside of me said to turn to them and face them and talk to them and to sort of like, that they were scaring me only because they were afraid of me. This is all an intuitive hit, but that if they felt that I was okay with them, that I set boundaries with them, that they would respect me and that they wouldn’t hurt me.

Dana Myers [00:20:08]:
So I would I would talk to the spirit and sort of set my boundaries. So between, like, making wishes or intentions over my altars and tapping into the spirit world. That’s really where my witchery began.

Sarah Tacy [00:20:22]:
I think you’ve mostly said that this is all intuitive. Any of that guided? Like, the altar making the I can understand how talking to the spirits might just be like, okay. This Doesn’t Feel Good. What Do I Need TO Do in This Relationship? I Had A Similar Experience Myself. Yeah. Yeah. There a point

Dana Myers [00:20:41]:
where I think

Sarah Tacy [00:20:42]:
I’ve been running we grew up in a house I grew up in a house that the original portion of it is from the 1700. Wow. None of us talked about this till later on where we’re like, oh, you run up the backstairs too? It always would feel like someone’s chasing you up. So everyone, including our babysitters, when we talked about it later, I’m like, oh. And right before a really big pivotal event in my life, my feet just went up in the air, and I fell down the entire flight. Like, I landed almost at the bottom of the stairs because the stairs were so steep back then. And it felt otherworldly. I’d never in my life tripped down these stairs.

Sarah Tacy [00:21:18]:
And I was sitting there just in shock, like, am I dead? Am I alive? I Lived. And then just realizing how long I’ve been afraid of this part of my house, which is right near where my room was, and that I could Actually Go and try to sense in, like, what is this presence that everybody is running from and Senses But Nobody’s Talking About. And could I come into conversation with her and Could We Come to Some Peaceful Resolution? And I think that many people might feel silly to admit to any of this or people might not believe, say they don’t believe in God, and then they get in a really tricky situation and find themselves praying. And I do think it’s interesting how life brings us certain situations that will bring us to, hey, whether this isn’t real or not, I’m gonna I’m gonna come into relationship with it and see what happens.

Dana Myers [00:22:18]:
Yeah.

Sarah Tacy [00:22:19]:
So what did you find happened when you started to this This is totally not the direction I was gonna take with this podcast. And I’m No.

Dana Myers [00:22:26]:
That’s what I just wanna go. It.

Sarah Tacy [00:22:28]:
What did you find happened when you started to come into relationship where you chose to see kind of like, what if? What happens?

Dana Myers [00:22:37]:
Yeah. Yeah. Well, the spirit that lived in my bathroom and would follow me to my room, I did start, like, saying, okay. These are the boundaries. You can’t come past this point. And they they they stopped. And they stopped coming so close, which I really appreciated because they were quite, like, imposing energetically. But then one of them 1 was pissed And must have, like, zoomed into this Pee wee Herman doll that I had.

Dana Myers [00:23:09]:
I don’t know if you remember the Pee wee Herman doll with the string. Yeah, because I’m aging myself, but I love that doll so much. And I was very, like, trying to be very firm in my conversation with this Sarah. And it must have entered the BeWhereum doll, and it shocked the doll across the room at me. And that really freaked me out. And then I probably just started making a deal with God or something. I need to call in something bigger.

Sarah Tacy [00:23:35]:
Oh my god.

Dana Myers [00:23:36]:
And then everything did quiet down for many years and then emerged again when I was about 19 and I started coming into contact with other realms. The fairy realm was a big realm for me, And there have been phases where I’ve been very in tune with the past lives that I’ve had. And I think that the more that I opened myself up, the more That was presented to me and through every, like, supernatural or spiritual phase. And I never called it witchcraft. I was always terrified of the word witch, So I just always thought I was spiritual. I didn’t really claim the word witch until a few years ago. But I think that if you open yourself up to it With the desire to, again, learn something. Right? Like, all the sexual experiences that I had to learn something and not get stuck in shame.

Dana Myers [00:24:29]:
With the spiritual realm to learn something and not get stuck in fear. It’s all been, like, incredibly enriching. And I think that it’s all tied together through my midlife crisis. Something that came into focus for me was like, what are my values? Like, what’s important to me? What are my values? And it place a lot of value on imagination and on living an tive life, having like a deeply imaginative inner world. And I think that a lot of my creativity in business, in the bedroom. In my spiritual life, it all comes from giving myself the permission to live a very imaginative life. Like, I don’t wanna live in a world where where my imagination is dead. Like, it is so important to me.

Dana Myers [00:25:16]:
I value it so much, And I really wanna pass that on to my kids if they want it. You know, only if they want it. You can’t pass things on that they don’t want. But I’ve loved the freedom that my imagination has given me.

Sarah Tacy [00:25:35]:
I’ve been listening with a thread of pleasure. So as I hear you talking about the more I open up, the more is offered to me. And you’re talking about sensing into past lives and fairies. And this is so important to me right now, the word spirituality verse witchery or witchcraft or witch. Spirituality has such a purity to it, and there’s so much about discipline and following The Wave. You know, there’s that yang. So beautiful. And witchcraft to me has a little bit of this Dark Side.

Sarah Tacy [00:26:09]:
Even though I know that was like a spin of the patriarchy, like, even though I know it’s just the heal but there is the yin. So if we take the dark and say that’s the yin, the Mother Earth that there’s there’s something in that. And so the thread that I’m following is when you open yourself up to to magic, to other realms, to what if, to imagination, the possibility that that could bring more pleasure on more dimensions of your life. So here I am thinking, you know, this is gonna launch in February, and we’re gonna talk all about, like, self pleasure in the way of masturbation, that this is talking about pleasure on a multidimensional Way of even Yeah. Open ourselves up and notice shame when it comes up. And then I’m hearing a choice of, do I wanna stay with the shame spiral, or do I wanna lean into this other alternative that I’m gonna keep learning by living? And that whatever choice I make, I’m then going to be able to move with that choice and keep directing and tracking and listening and following Yeah. Inner Self.

Dana Myers [00:27:18]:
And that and and the word that comes to mind when you speak that, when you relay that back is freedom. And freedom is for me and I think probably for many others, freedom is so connected to pleasure. You know, after my first child, I felt I lost a lot of my freedom. I felt like my world became a lot smaller. I couldn’t just roll out of the house and, like, stroll the streets and, like, talk to strangers and, you know, do whatever I wanted. I now have this very sort of routine life. And someone once said to me, oh, you know, when you have your first in your 2nd life. Your world becomes a little smaller and then it expands again.

Dana Myers [00:28:03]:
But for me, that was really the first time in my life where I felt, major disruption to my sex drive and my libido. And, Obviously, after you have a baby, you gotta recover. Your hormones are crazy. Normal. But it went on sort of longer than that for me. And I thought, why? Like, it’s such a big part of me. Pleasure’s such a big part of me. Like, where is it? And then I put the pieces together, and I was like, oh, it’s because I don’t have my freedom.

Dana Myers [00:28:38]:
And then I really learned that freedom was such an input to my sexuality and my quality and my my desire. And I think that it’s really important when we’re talking about imagination and freedom and pleasure and libido and all these things, it’s like, I think so often people like, what’s gonna turn me on? What can my partner do to turn me on? Do I need to get a toy or watch some erotic footage or read a book or listen to sexy audio, but it often goes has to go 1 layer higher. What turns me on, freedom, imagination, independent, or maybe not. I think it’s all tied together. The freedom to acknowledge the reverse of my house, the freedom to explore my pleasure, the freedom to make pleasure an integral part of my life because that in itself is a freedom that a lot of women don’t have because of their upbringing or the stories that they were told. So I think freedom is just a really important thing to keep in mind, especially as we get older and we have more demands on us. You know? I’m my parents are almost 80, so it’s like I’ve got, you know, young kids and older Sarah. And that can be you know, I can see where that’s gonna go.

Dana Myers [00:29:47]:
God willing. My parents keep living, but I can see the demands on me as a caretaker toward both sides. So how do I maintain my freedom in that? How do I maintain my independence. It’s all very interesting. It’s all very interesting. I know you talk about threshold. It’s like that’s a threshold in itself. My Being like part of a sandwich generation, I guess.

Sarah Tacy [00:30:08]:
Yes. I can imagine for many, there’s an all or nothing of I Can’t Right Now. And, actually, this is something I would I’d love to tap into with you, which is in those early years of parenthood when So my kids just didn’t sleep for the 1st 3 3 years, and so it just True

Dana Myers [00:30:26]:
at all.

Sarah Tacy [00:30:26]:
I’m like, did she just come back to life? And I wonder if pleasure would have seemed condescending to me. Like, oh, that’s like, almost like, oh, that’s nice that, like, that’s possible right now. I can barely make it through the day. But I’ve also heard you talk about how pleasure is how you got through the hard times.

Dana Myers [00:30:45]:
A 100%.

Sarah Tacy [00:30:47]:
Now that you have more demands and you have coupled the possibility of freedom and pleasure. When you have a life life scenarios which are more demanding of you. Can you tell us any what my teacher would call small doable pieces, like small steps in which pleasure can possibly be incorporated when It Might Seem Like the Most Impossible Thing.

Dana Myers [00:31:15]:
Well, 1st and foremost, it’s a choice. And I can’t tell you how many women have looked at me with, like, you know, a combination of disgust and anger and been like, you want me to what? You. I’m so tired. I I I don’t wanna I can’t I can’t take care of anyone else, let alone, like, my husband. I can’t do this. And all of which I understand, and it’s really like such a mindset shift in saying like and I still I still have to be like, okay. Well, what’s the mindset data? Come back to it. It is a mindset shift to pleasure is rocket fuel instead of pleasure as a chore.

Dana Myers [00:31:59]:
It is a choice to give yourself pleasure or to experience pleasure with a partner. It’s an opportunity to, you know, flood your body with good feelings, to take a break from real life for a minute. So it’s like, I haven’t sat these in a while. It’s it’s a choice. It’s not a chore. It’s an opportunity, not an obligation. I mentioned to you, we’re in the midst of a of a big deal for our brand. And I you know? It’s, like, alive.

Dana Myers [00:32:34]:
It’s very hot right now, the contracts and the things and the negotiations and the this and then that. And will it happen? Won’t it happen? Will it fall apart? Will our dreams come true? What happens if they don’t? You know? And and trying to stay present with it. And, you know, my husband and I, we work together, so all this stress is, like, very front and center. We’re living together. We’re working together. We’re parenting together. And yesterday was a big day in this journey of this deal, And I was just like, okay. Like, the housekeeper’s leaving at 1.

Dana Myers [00:33:03]:
I gotta go get the kids at 3, so meet me in the bedroom at 2. I was just like, I’m gonna go show up, and we’re gonna drop into pleasure. Because if we don’t, then the stress is gonna get the best of us. And if we don’t connect as lovers, then maybe we’ll start fighting as business partners. And so for me, it’s, like, constantly a choice. You could be Tacy, And I’m not calling anybody lazy. I’m specifically talking about me because I know the benefits of pleasure. So by not choosing it, for me, It’s Tacy.

Dana Myers [00:33:37]:
I’m obviously, if I’m sick, if I’m like I’m never gonna force myself. But when I’m like, what else do I have to do right now other than have a wicked orgasm and feed the intimacy of my most important well, my Sarah most important relationship. The most important one is the one I have with myself, but he’s my 2nd most important relationship. What better do I have to do? Like, what better thing do I have to do? And so it was 45 minutes of amazing pleasure Mhmm. And connection. And And it’s just as a reminder. Like, this is the thing. This is the thing that our bodies and our hearts can do, and it feels good most of the time.

Dana Myers [00:34:22]:
So, you know, choose it. And I get that that’s definitely not what people are taught. And I also understand that that’s not the structure that many people have. Right? Many people don’t see their partners until they come home from work, And then they’re always around the kids. So I understand that there’s a lot of obstacles, but I also think there’s ways and ways. Yeah. We have to choose it.

Sarah Tacy [00:34:44]:
On the point that you just made, I can imagine for myself. I actually, like, feel like I really know myself in this situation, which is when I’m highly stressed, I often feel the furthest away from being in my parasympathetic and being ready to engage with Steve or myself. And almost every regulation practice is asking you to choose to change your state when it doesn’t feel possible. So if you’re engaging in a breath practice, if people if they know the power of working out and they know, like, oh, I don’t feel like it this morning, but then they’ve done it enough times that they go out. But I always feel so much better after I do it. Yeah. And I can hear that you have enough experience with pleasure to have a similar understanding that although I’m not primed for it in this moment, I know that if I commit to this, I’m gonna feel so much better on the other side. And Yeah.

Sarah Tacy [00:35:48]:
So for me, that’s an invitation and possibly a invitation for my listeners to say, do you wanna prioritize this? Would you give this a try? And getting to feel and I could even say this, like, when people are curious about, like, what food do I eat? What food she’s like, how do you feel after? How do you feel 5 minutes after? How do you feel a half an hour after? And then starting to feel like you can track yourself and go like, yeah. That’s something I want more of in my life.

Dana Myers [00:36:13]:
I love that, but I think the the parallels right? Okay. Let’s use, like, working out. Working out is a little easier to be motivated for Because there’s also this, like, preprogrammed notion that we as women have, like, well, it’ll make my body look better. Mhmm. So it’s like it’s an it’s like an extra nudge of what like, As we’re programmed to, like, want external validation, like, oh, okay. Well, yes. I’ll work out. Yes.

Dana Myers [00:36:38]:
I know I’m gonna feel better, but I also might look better. And that doesn’t totally exist in, like, moving towards sex. Yes. You’ll feel closer to your partner, But that’s like a tough motivator, right, when you’re, like, irritated that they’ve left their socks on the floor. You’re like, how am I gonna how am I gonna get it up for him? But the priming the priming of it, I think, is a really important thing because it’s not just of making it a priority and being like, I’m gonna get in there. It is the prioritizing of the transition to get there as well. So I always talk about sex like an event. Like, I want an invitation.

Dana Myers [00:37:17]:
I wanna know what I’m wearing. I wanna know what cocktails are gonna be served. Is there a theme? Who’s gonna be at the party? And then I’m, like, excited to go to that party, and I really look at sex the same way, which is why I was like, okay. I looked at my day. I was like, 2 o’clock is great, but, like, what do I want? How am I gonna show up at 2 feeling ready? Because I can’t go from 0 to 60, I don’t wanna force myself. I don’t wanna feel inauthentic. So for me, I start thinking, okay, what inputs do I need to be physically, emotionally ready to show up at 2. Yesterday, I was like, I felt so stressed out about this deal, and I thought, okay.

Dana Myers [00:38:04]:
I could dance. I could move. But you know what? I just feel like I just wanna watch some porn. I was like, you know what? I just need to, like, redirect my attention and watch some porn, which I don’t often go to These days, I’ve had phases in my life where I love, like, really beautiful porn and phases where I’m like, yeah, not interested. But yesterday, I was like, that’s gonna be the thing. And so I knew, like, I knew what to ask for. I knew Charlie had just gotten me this pretty little pair of, like, frilly panties. I was like, Yeah.

Dana Myers [00:38:36]:
Let me put those on. Let me see how it makes me feel. So I put them on and I looked at myself in the mirror and I sort of admired myself. The actual panty was like a cut that I’ve never worn before. Like, I’m it came up to, like, my chin. It was so hyped. And I was like, It was ridiculous. And I was like, I could easily criticize myself and be like, no, that’s not gonna be for me today.

Dana Myers [00:39:01]:
I don’t like how that looks. But I was like, bitch, you can wear anything. I was just like, I’m just gonna choose to admire myself in this very silly, high cut, frilly panty. And then I’m gonna watch some porn ins that moves in me. And it was amazing, but it was like and there’s thought that goes into it. There has to be thought because we’re thinking about So many freaking things all day. I mean, my lists have lists. I know your lists have lists.

Dana Myers [00:39:30]:
I know everyone’s lists have lists have lists. I mean, it’s it’s It’s outrageous the things we have to remember. So to kind of clear our mind and get into a more, you know, Embodied State where we can relax and explore pleasure in whatever flavor it’s gonna look like in that day with ourselves or with someone else. You kind of have to, like, put thought into how you’re gonna get there and then put a little action. So you might have 5 minutes to transition dance, yoga, erotica, porn, massage, whatever it is, you might have longer to transition. You know, sometimes when I know, like, I’ve put sex in the calendar, I start thinking about it in the morning. Okay. What what flavor? What am I interested in? What’s piquing my interest.

Dana Myers [00:40:17]:
You know? What do I need? What do I want? And so by the time, it’s time. I’m actually ready To be present and participate.

Sarah Tacy [00:40:26]:
Thank you for highlighting transition. I think

Dana Myers [00:40:29]:
Yeah.

Sarah Tacy [00:40:29]:
That is huge for many women, especially if so, obviously, I’m, like, talking in heterosexual relations

Dana Myers [00:40:39]:
Yeah. Yeah.

Sarah Tacy [00:40:40]:
Here because it’s what I’m most used to myself. But I, in my experience, have met and heard from other women of stories where their partner, Because of Seeing It in Porn that would think that, like, oh, we just we just go and we just get started. So to highlight the importance of transition, I think it’s also super empowering For Women’s Day. Oh, and that gets to be part of it as well.

Dana Myers [00:41:05]:
Letting your partner know, like, I can’t go from 0 to 60 after I’ve been making lunches and working and carpooling and this and meal planning and banking and the. Help me get in the headspace. Help me transition. Ask Me What You Can Take Off My Load TO Free Space so that I can start to practice some sensuality hours before we’re gonna meet up. I mean, it’s very hard when you’re doing the dishes and, you know, your partner comes up and, like, snuggles you and, like, gives you the, like, you know, the, like, soft boner. You know? Like and it’s like and and it, like, expects you to, like, be like, yes. You know, you’re like, get your get your little boner away from me. I’m doing the fucking dishes.

Dana Myers [00:41:52]:
I’m, like, 30 minutes away from bedtime and being able to watch my show, and now you want something else from me. I’m not thinking about that. I’m thinking about my plans were different. So this is always why I recommend, you know, planning sex so that you have the time and space to transition and show up. Look. My kids are now 10 and 13. Spontaneous sex for me is returning, right, because I have more freedom, when you’re really in the throes of it and you don’t have that freedom and everything is so planned, it’s like just plan it so that you can wrap your brain around it and show up with curiosity instead of, you know, being interrupted and then have dread and then push off your partner, and then they feel rejected, and then there’s resentment, and then it’s like, oh, crap. We’re in that rejection resentment fight.

Sarah Tacy [00:42:45]:
Everything you said sounds so familiar. So I’m just like, oh, she’s naming it. Right.

Dana Myers [00:42:50]:
We’ve all been there. We’ve been there.

Sarah Tacy [00:42:52]:
Another point that I wanna highlight before asking you a little bit about this last threshold, which you can be as general or specific as you’d like. But I’m thinking about your mother and the policeman. And I’m thinking about what you said about working out having the side effect of possibly like a more toned body. But I’m thinking about pleasure and the magnetism that someone becomes when they are more pleasure filled. And so my experience of you when I have seen you in person, online. When I’ve heard you is 1, like, this, like, central beauty oozes from you and this vibrancy. And so I can imagine when you’re going into a business deal, when you are so in your body. And I imagine that it can create more confidence in a greater ability to articulate what you want in less of a fight or flight response and more of, like, an embodied, this is my vision.

Sarah Tacy [00:43:54]:
I heard you mention earlier, like, how do we create a win win win before we started recording? That a person asking for how do we create a win win or a win win win? Is a person who is in balance in their nervous system, who knows the possibility of pleasure. And I would even think in sexual relationships that you’re also looking for win win. And there is a very feminine energy about that. So I think what I’m trying to say is there is a benefit beyond the immediate pleasure that we might get in the pleasure. And that may be our magnetism. It may even be our ability to close a deal.

Dana Myers [00:44:37]:
I love that you’re picking up on this. It brings to mind a story of when we first launched the brand 20 years ago. It’s June. And I was at a women’s shopping event, and we had a table. And I was, like, you know, showing off our toys and, you know, helping women, encouraging women to get a toy and go home and rock their own worlds. And there was a writer there from LA Magazine who was doing a Keith on our lunch. The opening passage of her piece was her describing watching me and saying, I want some of what she has. And I was so flattered.

Dana Myers [00:45:17]:
I was so flattered when she wrote that Because it wasn’t about my hair or being pretty or anything like that. It was about my energy. And I hadn’t really thought about this in a long time until you mentioned it. But, yes, pleasure does make you more magnetic, and I don’t see that as some, like, feminine trick to play on people. I just think that it’s a really organic way to raise your vibe Anne. Draw the right people to you. And, look, you might draw I think that a lot of women are afraid that if they embody pleasure or sensuality, that they’ll draw the wrong people to them. And that I think is the valid fear.

Dana Myers [00:45:59]:
I think as women, we are afraid of drawing too much attention to ourselves because we could be hurt. Right? That’s like in our primal nervous system. We’re afraid of being hurt. But, look, with all things, it’s just this practice and regulating it And balancing it out and knowing, you know, knowing how to protect yourself as well. But, yeah, I fully endorse the pleasure for raising your for operating in the world in the way where you receive more of what you want. I’m all for it.

Sarah Tacy [00:46:31]:
I’m really curious what you have done or if you’ve experienced as you raise your vibration, as you become more visible, do you find that you also draw, like, some people who say, I could never have that or that’s nice for you or they feel attacked because it goes against the very thing that perhaps is holding them back that they so deeply believe in. I’m wondering, you know, in the world of spells or protections or even just logistics, how you manage, what you draw towards you, and how you boundary what will not come into your space.

Dana Myers [00:47:11]:
I love that question. I’ve always used the blend of the good witch kind of bubble protection mode Where I always just envision myself, like, surrounded by an iridescent bubble of protection where only the things I want can come closer to me and that the energies that I don’t want can’t penetrate it. I’m also just really direct with people now. I think that throughout the last 6 years of, like, the journey through my midlife crisis, the journey into living in a more radically honest way is that, like, when I’m not vibing with someone, I can either just, like I understand it, and I don’t try to fake it. I don’t try to force any relationships. So I either just use my energy to kinda block Or I just tell people, like, this isn’t this isn’t working. I don’t wanna have this conversation, or I don’t wanna be on this text thread with you. I’m not interested.

Dana Myers [00:48:12]:
I don’t align with you. And I think that’s really empowering. I think so many women have always been like, my tolerance for bullshit just decreases of every year As I Ate. And I I really like it. It’s true. And I like it a lot. I do.

Sarah Tacy [00:48:30]:
Can you say before we close out, is there anything you wanna say? You’ve you’ve mentioned midlife crisis a few times. And Yeah. In some ways, it’s like a very general term. And in some ways, it’s Yeah. Very bold term, like, crisis. Right? And

Dana Myers [00:48:48]:
Yeah.

Sarah Tacy [00:48:50]:
I always thought that I could avoid a midlife crisis by living my truth every day. I wrote, like, a whole piece on it when I was 24. Like, I’m gonna have a midlife crisis every day of my life so that when middle age. I don’t like wake up because I thought it meant that, like, a person who had a midlife crisis was asleep and then woke up midway through. Fun. That’s not true at all. I think that in some ways, it’s inevitable and super important

Dana Myers [00:49:16]:
for

Sarah Tacy [00:49:17]:
us to have this yet another transition that feels really important. And I’m wondering if you could say anything about what it’s been like for you and how it’s shifted you or what has awakened in you? I hear that you’re more honest, radical honesty, but I’m wondering if you could say anything else about it.

Dana Myers [00:49:35]:
Listen. Growing up, I thought a midlife crisis was, about not wanting to age, not wanting to look old. I think, like, the traditional beauty industry had kind of, you know, imparted that to me. Oh, that’s why you have a midlife crisis because you feel like you’re getting old or this or that. And that was not the case at all. I think for me, what really started it is that I just started to feel that the old ways of doing things, of operating, were no longer working And, of course, thing. Right? It was like the old way of, like, being programmed to achieve, being programmed to accomplish, like your self worth being based on your accomplishments and the world and the accolades and all of that. Like, I started to feel like all that’s bullshit, and external validation means Nothing.

Dana Myers [00:50:38]:
You know? I really started to think like, oh my god. I’ve been, like, working so hard and driving for my professional success. And was that really bringing me the kind of joy and inner peace and personal growth that I wanted. And so I that’s kind of the beginning of it. It’s, like, really having to look at the external validation piece. Another part of it was not so much worrying about my physical beauty, but this feeling of, like, is this my peak moment of flowering as a woman? And, like, what happens after this, and what does it mean to me? I know I’m speaking vaguely here. Another part of it was, like, facing the repetition of patterns in the female lineage of my family and repeating patterns that weren’t so good and I didn’t like. And then there, you know, were huge explosions, and I had to come face to face with real choices that I made and grow through that.

Dana Myers [00:51:46]:
I look back on it now. You know, the last years were some of the worst years of my life and also the best because I was really down in the underworld, you know, kicking the mud around and really looking at who I was and who I wanna be and what’s next and what cycle is next and what’s evolving. And another thing that came up is, you know, we’re taught in the witching world and the spiritual world and the female empowerment world, the maiden, mother, crone cycle. Right? But I really came to understand, like, there’s something between mother and crone. What is that? And so for me, it’s it’s queen. And who am I in that, and what does that look like? And for me, what it looks like is unearthing a new cycle. And so much of my identity has been tied up in this brand and in pleasure. And so it’s I’m I’m never gonna let go of pleasure.

Dana Myers [00:52:42]:
I’m never gonna that’s never gonna not be a part of who I am or what I talk about. But I think the biggest part of of this midlife crisis, rebirth. I did call it her midlife rebirth, but, also, like, let’s call it what it is. Like, this is a fucking crisis. Oh my god. It’s just I’m so much happier having gone through it. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything, actually, because it’s made me so much more honest with myself and others. It has once again helped me look at shame And the emotions like shame and guilt that I don’t want, then I have no place in my life.

Dana Myers [00:53:25]:
And so having to come into right relationship with those and let them pass, let them, you know, move through me, I I feel like I have a, like, a new release on life having gone through the mud. So I say when it’s coming, like, go for it. Set this shit on fire and let it burn and then rebuild like a phoenix out of the ashes. I know it sounds dramatic, but that’s legit been my experience in the last 6 years.

Sarah Tacy [00:53:51]:
So I’ll just say that the 2 people that I interviewed right before you, Jennifer Fox, she is now in her early fifties. And she was talking about maiden mother crone. And she was just inviting that, like, now that she is in her crone. And she was talking about, like, being at her peak at 43 and then just shit hit the fan Anne the anger and the burning. And she’s like, but now, even though I’m at the beginning of crone, I’m experiencing Maiden. These cycles keep repeating within each cycle. So she and her husband she’s known her husband since 2nd grade. She and her husband are having a newlywed phase, but they have been through these, like, birth, death cycle so many times.

Dana Myers [00:54:37]:
And

Sarah Tacy [00:54:38]:
then Jennifer Asciope was just on as well. And the message at the end of each podcast tends to be, these years were really fucking hard. But on the other side, I am happier and more myself and have more freedom and more capacity and more clarity and care less about what other people think than I ever have before.

Dana Myers [00:54:59]:
A 100%. You just wrapped that up in a very succinct way. Happier than before, more me than before, more hopeful than before and more connected to my husband than before as well. And I always thought, like, living the most authentic life. I’m loving it. You know? But, like, it was like the micro dishonesties we tell ourselves. So the little games we play, the choosing our words too carefully as to not create a conflict. You know, all these little sort of micro ways of doing things from our conditioning or our patterning or patriarchal dynamics, like really having to look at all of that and unearth it And she’s a new way.

Dana Myers [00:55:45]:
So interesting. Thank you. And so hard. It was so awful. It was so awful. But now it’s so good.

Sarah Tacy [00:55:52]:
Yeah. I’m thinking of the book. It was called The Way of Integrity by Martha Beck. And Mhmm. You can really see how things often burn To the Ground Before They Get Better, which I think is why we do the micro truths or the micro dishonesty is because of the fear of the pain.

Dana Myers [00:56:08]:
Yes.

Sarah Tacy [00:56:09]:
But Life is Gonna Bring Us Where We Need TO Go. So

Dana Myers [00:56:12]:
Yeah. For sure.

Sarah Tacy [00:56:14]:
Yeah. Well, thank you so much. I guess I’ll say to my listeners, like, Please check out Dana’s Instagram account. It’ll be in the notes because I think what you’re gonna see is ritual and magic and wake surfing, which I didn’t know you did. And I as I’m, like, preparing a little bit for this interview, I’m like, oh, she does this a lot. And, like, oh, and this is a new thing. And If any of you watch her wakesurf, it’s like, it’s so sensual and such a dance. And if you ever saw me wakesurf, I am so serious and, like, trying to perform and trying to get it right.

Sarah Tacy [00:56:46]:
So I was so moved by the way you move.

Dana Myers [00:56:49]:
Oh my god. Thank you.

Sarah Tacy [00:56:50]:
Say check out her social. I’d also say I listened. Kate Northrop had her on her podcast. And you touched upon so many things that we didn’t touch upon here. So I would say listen to that as well if you wanna hear anything about Raising Children with many of these ideas. And so there are other elements in that podcast, so listen there as well. And do you have anything else that you want to highlight?

Dana Myers [00:57:14]:
I mean, I would just say, you know, go masturbate. I mean, that’s like you know, everybody just go spend a little time with yourself. And I could give you a shameless plug to check out our new vulva balm, glamour pose at booty parlor. But really just Tacy time to connect with yourself, and our sensuality is something that’s always with us until the day that we die. So don’t waste it. You know? Get in there Laurette. And be in relationship with it. Yeah.

Dana Myers [00:57:46]:
It’s a gift.

Sarah Tacy [00:57:47]:
Thank you. So I’m gonna highlight the vulva bomb as a small doable way. Talking about small doable pieces, like a small doable way to come into relationship with yourself on a daily basis. And I feel like by doing a ritual with that daily, that different awarenesses are gonna arise in us, things that we’re not gonna want to keep, Things that we’re gonna wanna amplify. And so I can imagine that using that balm could be a way, like a pathway in that could be, like, really doable and accessible and also, like, blow our worlds open in the best possible way.

Dana Myers [00:58:25]:
Yes. A 100%. Do you have some? I need to send you some.

Sarah Tacy [00:58:28]:
I don’t. But now that I’m talking about

Dana Myers [00:58:30]:
it, oh, my my god. Text me your address. Don’t text me your address. Alright. Please. So I can

Sarah Tacy [00:58:36]:
get you that email. And I’m gonna send you something as well. I have an anointing oil that I love, I think that you’ll like to take care of yourself. Out of your way.

Dana Myers [00:58:43]:
Thank you for having me. This was this was awesome. This is actually what I needed today to I feel much more regulated now. So thank you.

Sarah Tacy [00:58:50]:
Thank you so much. Thank you you for tuning in. It’s been such a pleasure. If you’re looking for added support, I’m offering a program that’s totally free called 21 days of untapped support. It’s pretty awesome. It’s very easy. It’s very helpful. You can find it atsarahtacey.com.

Sarah Tacy [00:59:25]:
And if you love this episode, please subscribe and like. Apparently, it’s wildly useful. So we could just for what happens when you scroll down to the bottom. Subscribe, rate, maybe say a thing or 2. If you’re not feeling it, don’t do it. It’s totally fine. I look forward to gathering with you again. Thank you so much.