096 – Parenting through the Holidays

Sarah Tacy [00:00:00]:
Did you know our decision making and ability to connect with others, including our kids, is influenced by the state of our nervous system? When our nervous system feels well resourced, we are more likely to make heart based decisions instead of falling into protective trauma patterning. We will be more likely to connect with loved ones in creative and generative ways because we’ve met the hard emotions in ourselves first. And please hear what I’m saying too is that we can then meet our kids in their wide range of emotions in more fun and generative ways when we have resource ourselves to meet ourselves in these places as well. After feeling like I nearly disappeared postpartum, nervous system resourcing brought me back to life to fully experience joy, build meaningful relationships, strengthen my marriage, and embrace vulnerability. I would love to invite you and or someone you love to resource a 4 month program designed for women who have navigated matrescence, that transformative threshold of caring for tiny humans, a threshold that can bring immense joy, but also make it challenging to recognize your own existence, let alone your preferences. My dream is to help us become well resourced, alive mothers, because this is the basis of familial and generational healing, but also because feeling embodied and alive is our birthright. The program starts January 6th. Check the link for more details. It would be a total honor to meet you in this journey.

Sarah Tacy [00:01:41]:
Hello. Welcome. I’m Sara Tacy, and this is Threshold Moments, a podcast where guests and I share stories about the process of updating into truer versions of ourselves. The path is unknown, and the pull feels real. Together, we share our grief, laughter, love, and life saving tools. Join us.

Sarah Tacy [00:02:25]:
Hello, and welcome to Threshold Moments. It is the holiday season and it is a time of year that I often equate to double binds. A double bind is a place where you feel stuck often between something you feel like you need to do, you must do, and at the same time really just don’t have the capacity for it. So I often think, you know, this one is a little bit more geared towards parenting. So this is around parenting in the chaos and resourcing your nervous system for the holidays. And for almost any human living in the Northern Hemisphere, I would imagine that there’s still that feeling, you know, that may be separate from needing to be a parent or not, that feeling of the days are short. I would love to get into my bed and wind down with a nice book or have a cup of tea and just do less because it seems like that is what nature is calling us to do. And however, now we have all the holiday parties, all the end of the year events, all of the presents to consider all of the people to consider everybody to thank. And it is the season of most during a time when the days are the darkest and the shortest and the energy is slow and the birds are not singing outside.

Sarah Tacy [00:04:00]:
If you’re in the Northern Hemisphere, you don’t see much wildlife. Like everything is getting quiet. And so there’s this, I must do all the things and the body being like, I can’t, I just want to sleep or I must sleep and recover. I can’t because there are all these things to do. So today we’re diving into how you as a human, and today is actually a little bit more specific to as a parent, can navigate the holiday seasons with more ease and connection and resilience. Whether you’re feeling stretched thin or simply want to show up as your best self for your family, but I would say in particularly, in particular for you. This episode is for you, for you to find moments of your existence, for you to find moments to feel like, oh, you matter, for you to find moments to attune to yourself. It’s, an even me saying this may give you that feeling like, I must be can’t.

Sarah Tacy [00:05:09]:
That sounds so nice, but I can’t. And so we’re gonna touch into that. We’ll talk about how our nervous systems hold the key to navigating this time of year. We’ll explore tools for creating connection and calm. And if you’re ready, I’ll introduce you to a program that can help you sustain this type of work long after the holidays are over. So a brief overview of the nervous system is that we have the capacity. Our nervous system has the capacity to go fast and hard and do something challenging and still feel like we have choice. So that would be a place where we would say our nervous system is in a range of regulation.

Sarah Tacy [00:05:59]:
We could go slow and calm and be present for somebody when they’re having a hard time and still feel like we have choice and we can notice that we are separate from them. And we would say you are in the range of regulation. When you come out of the range of regulation, you hear what many people will call the sympathetic nervous system, the fight or flight. Sympathetic does have its healthy range, which I mentioned when you feel like you have choice, the ability to pause and reflect. But when we don’t have much capacity, when our demands are higher than our resources, we might go into a fight where we get really defensive of how somebody has said something to us. The way we see maybe more us than them. There may feel like there’s scarcity, but whether it’s presents that need to be bought that are now out of stock or and so you’re running to all the places, or you feel like, you know, somebody at work has it out for you and you just wanna run away and you just can’t do it right. So you wanna run away.

Sarah Tacy [00:07:10]:
And then we have the parasympathetic, which we often think of as rest and digest. And so parasympathetic is often thought to be the healthy state where we can feel our body, as I’ve mentioned, where we can pause, where we can choose, where we can notice ourselves. And then there’s the dorsal, which is dorsal vagal, which is where we really just collapse. And so it may be you’re so used to going like, all day so hard, work, work, work, work, work, and you get home and you collapse. Or the dorsal vagal can show up as a freeze where you don’t even notice, like what presence there are presence to be had. You know, you just actually are totally detached and unaware. There could be people saying things or doing things, or perhaps you have that I must, I need to get presence, but there’s no movement. There’s just overwhelm that shuts you down.

Sarah Tacy [00:08:17]:
If you’ve had any of these responses, it’s not your fault. These patterns often reflect your nervous system and what it’s learned since your childhood and how many demands you have on you current time. And then we have, during these holidays, not just all of these people to consider, but that were around family, which can bring up old patterns, things we think we worked on. And then it comes back in real time. Oh, that’s still there. So it tends to be a stressful season. You are not alone. So today we’re going to see if we can anchor with some health.

Sarah Tacy [00:08:57]:
I’m going to introduce you to the idea of starting with health. So even if the stress feels overwhelming, your nervous system holds an innate capacity to return to balance. So we’re going to look at how you can give yourself small consistent tools to support that process. If I go back to the idea of the double binds, the double bind being when you feel stuck between conflicting expectations. Again, for parents, the holidays are full of these. Be joyful and calm, but also do everything or give your kids a magical experience. But don’t forget to take care of yourself. These duffel binds can create internal tension, keeping us stuck in activation or overwhelm and really draining our energy.

Sarah Tacy [00:09:52]:
They can really, I mean, you can look around, I don’t know if you’ve had this experience. I sure have like looking around and going, wow, I really get that I’m in the middle of something quite special, But I’m actually too tired to feel the joy. I’m actually too tired to feel the gratitude even though I know I should be grateful. That is a super, a super normal reaction to being stuck in these places of the eitheror, or the double bind. Double binds are often created when there’s something that happened, say, before we were 3. There are these belief systems imprinted into us like, oh, Christmas at Christmas, we do the 7 fish dinner the night before. And on the morning, there are presence overwhelming the tree. And in the evening, we are at the church making meals and the next day, right? It could be like, this is what we do.

Sarah Tacy [00:10:59]:
And it can be so deep in you that that is what it has to be. That the thought of doing anything else feels unrealistic and impossible. And yet getting it done feels unrealistic and impossible because how did my parents do that? How? Right. And so how do we find ourselves in the midst of what we are supposed to do and what we actually feel capable of? There’s this idea of titration, which means that we start really simple. And we don’t try to tackle every stressor at once. Me saying this could be triggering even, well, that’s nice. Well, who’s going to do the dishes? Well, who’s going to write? So titration, if I were to throw in something to titrate here, that when you’re feeling stuck, the titration might be one healthy breath. The titration might be that you took a pause.

Sarah Tacy [00:12:05]:
The titration of doing something that brings you back to yourself, even for a moment helps our nervous system to regulate. And when our nervous system regulates, we are able to see that there is a sacred third or a tiny step in the direction that is a nuanced choice between do it all or stay home and crash. Right. And so it might be like, you know what? I am going to go to that Christmas party, but I am not going to get dressed up as the theme. Or I am going to go to that dinner, but I have a heart out at 8 PM Or that other thing, I really don’t know those people. So I’m just I’m not gonna do that. With my kids, I’ve explained that we are gonna do some experiences. So this weekend, I’m gonna take them to a play, And I’ll understand that this is part of their Christmas month is that there’s, like, kind of a drip of experiences that we might do together where we’re spending quality time.

Sarah Tacy [00:13:15]:
And for some people that might be like, no thanks. I’d rather have a present under the tree. But for me, having more and more things come into my house feels really overwhelming. I just really feel like we have enough. There are many things about getting more and buying more that feel too much for me. And so I look for ways of how can I meet that need or that desire to have something exciting, to feel that Santa has come, that somebody cares for you, to have that special morning, to have that magic for them, while also meeting my feeling of not wanting to go so far into the too muchness of things? So I wonder for you, what one small thing is that you can do today to support your nervous system? Maybe it’s putting on music in the morning, quietly before your kids get up, or sometimes I actually put headphones on if I like want to move slightly more expressively and energetically. If I really want to move energy, I might put headphones on and turn some music on. But oftentimes the slow, excuse me, the small doable thing that I do to support myself and the family is I might light a candle and put music on.

Sarah Tacy [00:14:47]:
So when they come downstairs, there are sensory inputs that are helping me to hold the space so that I’m not holding it on my own. And what this means is that the kids bodies are constantly scanning for, am I safe? And they’re doing that by looking at my body, by feeling the energy in the room. And the more their senses are turned up and turned on, the more they’re moving into a regulated state. The higher the stress is, the less you’re able to sense things, the smell, to hear literally when you’re highly stressed, your brain often doesn’t even hear that someone’s speaking to you and it often will not process what they’re saying if you do hear the sound of their voice. And so as you move into purposely increasing sensory, pleasurable sensory input, it begins to move the bodies in the room towards that. I also generally try to have just like something out on the table that they can eat or blood sugar. And so these things, these small things help me to hold the field. If the field may be a new term, they help me to create the environment of which their nervous system is going to feel safer.

Sarah Tacy [00:16:18]:
So it’s a small, like turning on music and lighting a candle is a small doable step where I’m not going to say I have to do everything to make the morning perfect. And I or I’m not going to do anything at all. They can just stay home for the day. It’s like, what’s a small doable? Okay. These things help me. They make me feel better first. And then when I feel better, they feel safer and plus they have the sensory input. Another small doable thing.

Sarah Tacy [00:16:48]:
So now this is getting a little bit more into parenting and it can do with the holidays, but it doesn’t have to. But it’s another small doable thing is whispering. I’m so curious because I was slightly, I felt slightly vulnerable to change my newsletter output for the next couple of weeks to focus on parenting because I have a program coming up for mothers in January. It’s a 3 month program and the 8 emails have to do with ways that we can tend to our nervous system, but that we can also do it with our kids. And it’s tender for me to do that because I know some people may feel left out when I begin to niche down to say parents. And so I’m going to say this to you as a parent listening, but if you are someone without children, I’m still so curious. And yeah. And you’re still here and still so curious.

Sarah Tacy [00:17:52]:
Would this work with a friend? Would this work with a lover or a partner that instead of yelling, you try whispering? I’m so curious. And if it works really well, will you go to my website and send me a message and just be like, this is life changing. I can try it myself too. So whispering is a small doable piece of nervous system support in which when your child is not listening, it’s not unusual that they are actually in a state of overwhelm, and they are in a place be there’s a possibility of a double bind. It’s like, I must turn off the TV. I don’t wanna turn off the TV. Therefore, like, it’s hard to press the button. It’s hard for my impulse to hit the off button, and it seems like they’re not listening to you.

Sarah Tacy [00:18:39]:
And there’s actually a good chance that they really can’t process what they’re what you’re saying when you’ve said it 8 times. And then it might go to screaming until, like, your input has overwhelmed their their freeze. So when you change to a whisper, when you change to a whisper, first it changes your nervous system. When you yell, even if it’s your best friend on the phone who’s like, what? I can’t hear you. It’s breaking up. What? You may notice, I certainly noticed that if you have to keep repeating yourself and saying it louder and louder, you feel frustrated. The body is having a feeling of I’m trying to get help. I’m trying to be heard and I can’t be heard, which in some situations is life threatening.

Sarah Tacy [00:19:35]:
And so even in situations where it’s not life threatening, our nervous system responds as if it’s life threatening. And the more activated we get, the more activated the person in relationship to us gets. And so when we begin to whisper, hey, can you hear me? I have an idea. A few things happen. 1st, as the parent, your nervous system starts to feel better. The second thing is like, oh, we’re on a team, right? When somebody leans into you for a whisper, it’s like, Oh, we’re in this together. So now the child is interested, they feel safe, they’re reading your body, they’re reading that now. You’re in this together.

Sarah Tacy [00:20:23]:
And the third thing I noticed for me is that it makes me playful. So when my child leans in and all I want to say is like, turn off the TV, it’s time to go upstairs. When I whisper, then now I I like feel like I owe it to them to have it be slightly playful. Like, Hey, I noticed your show is over. I want to, I want to play with you upstairs and read some books. You want to you want to get on my back? And so now it’s like, it changes just from like, turn it off and go do this to, oh, we’re doing this thing together. And how could it be playful and fun? It’s just been a major, major shift for me. I have a link if you are interested in 8 days of nervous system tools that can be used as parents for yourself and your kids.

Sarah Tacy [00:21:27]:
This is one of them. And so as we close out here in reflection, these small dual pieces, wouldn’t it be great if one, they make you feel good first. So that small dual piece isn’t like not what is the task I can get done first to chop down my to do list. It’s like, what is one dual piece where I can feel good first? Because all of your decisions you make and the way you interact with people comes down to the state of your nervous system. So if there’s one piece that can feel good, whether it is dancing to music or lighting a candle or whispering when you want to yell, then maybe more options come up where you go, Oh, yeah. Now I’m actually going to tackle some other things by saying like, I’m not going to go to that thing, right? I’m going to go but with these boundaries. We can begin to find the middle ground in between the either, or when we start by finding a moment to feel good in our body. So as I close out here, I would love to give you an invitation.

Sarah Tacy [00:22:51]:
If all of this resonates with you, I’ve created a program designed to help parents like you navigate not just the holidays, but everyday life with more ease and connection. And I just wanna say, there are moments that are simply hard. So doing this program is not to erase that sometimes things get sticky and sometimes things get hard and sometimes we don’t know what to do. But it is here to create more moments of ease and more moments of honest expression. You’ll get short accessible daily videos, tools for regulation, connection, and resilience, live calls for real time support weekly, and journaling prompts and reflection tools. My deeper why for this is that I have found that as a mother who was so independent and driven and goal oriented before having kids, I was surprised that a person like me could disappear to motherhood. And I know that this role is so important, and I know that there are stages and phases when they’re not sleeping and they really need you. And they actually really do need you for everything, including, you know, diapers and breastfeeding and strollers and naps.

Sarah Tacy [00:24:13]:
And it can be really hard to keep a sense of self and in a society that also assumes that certain mental load aspects go to the female in the house, then there can be other unseen activities that you’re responsible for that weigh on you and take out your energy. And so this program for me is a call for us to first notice that we exist. And when we take time to notice that we exist, we notice that we have a preference and then we build capacity through nervous system regulation around that preference so that we have the will and ability to speak our preferences and to move towards them and to become interdependent people who realize like, yeah, we’re a part of a community. We’re a part of an ecosystem, but I matter. And as you begin to really tend to yourself, and as you begin to find ways to express instead of suppress, you may find, I have found that your relationship with your kids becomes more fun And that they almost begin to. And I want to say they begin to act in ways that are easier. Because they feel safer. So there’s less acting out to act out for having unmet emotional needs, and more playfulness.

Sarah Tacy [00:25:49]:
And of course, conflict will come up and then we get to demonstrate what does conflict look like when you honor your feelings and have learned how to emote and express safely and in healthy ways. I just think that we are the revolution. We are what will create the next beautiful generation. And I think we matter. If this is for you, you can go to www.saratasey.com/resourced. I would say that this is a time sensitive thing. So if you sign up, you would wanna sign up before January 3rd so that you can have all the details that you can be prepared for the first call because preparation is part of nervous system care. And I also wanna say that this is time sensitive because as you start the new year, it’s not about a new you.

Sarah Tacy [00:26:55]:
It’s to me, it’s about how do you get support to be you, to listen to your preferences, to get your nose out there. So for now, I thank you for listening. I thank you for being here. I thank you for making it through this season and for caring because there would be no double bind if you didn’t care in some way. You didn’t care about yourself and your needs or those of those around you. So let’s take a moment as we close out here to ground together. A moment to close your eyes, if that feels comfortable, and if you’re not driving, to take a deep breath in, and to let it out slowly. Notice the support beneath you and the rhythm of your breath.

Sarah Tacy [00:28:01]:
When I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, may I pause and know that even if I can’t see it, there’s always a third option. When I feel pulled in so many directions, may I pause and notice my breath and just say to myself, of course you feel pulled. Of course. During this season of muchness, may I find a time for breath here and there so that I can respond with more honesty and more integrity? And as we end, I invite you to carry the sense of presence and choice into your day. Your nervous system is one of your greatest allies. I would love to work together to help support you and your nervous system. One step at a time. Wishing you all the best in this holiday season.

Sarah Tacy [00:29:13]:
Cheers.

Sarah Tacy [00:29:19]:
Thank you for tuning in. It’s been such a pleasure. If you’re looking for added support, I’m offering a program that’s totally free called 21 days of untapped support.

Sarah Tacy [00:29:32]:
It’s pretty awesome. It’s very easy. It’s very helpful.

Sarah Tacy [00:29:36]:
You can find it at sarahtacey.com. And if you love this episode, please subscribe and like. Apparently, it’s wildly useful. So we could just explore what happens when you scroll down to the bottom. Subscribe, rate, maybe say a thing or 2. If you’re not feeling it, don’t do it. It’s totally fine. I look forward to gathering with you again.

Sarah Tacy [00:29:59]:
Thank you so much.

Sarah Tacy [00:30:09]:
Are you ready to build capacity for stress, joy, and vitality? Go from foggy to focused? Break free from anxiety and apathy? Your nervous system plays a crucial role in your relationship and decision making. By learning to resource your nervous system, you can make heart centered choices, respond to challenges with ease and grace, build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. If you’re interested, I invite you to join our 4 month resourced program. It’s for women who have been through matrescence, that threshold of mothering tiny humans, and come experience the transformative power of a well resourced nervous system. It begins January 6th. You’ll learn practical tools to calm, awaken, and support your body, connect with your emotions, cultivate deeper, more authentic relationships, and create generative and regulating practices that you can do with your kids. Join now, if this speaks to your heart, if this speaks to your deepest desires of what you want to move into in this next phase of your life.